When am I going to get it through my thick skull that I have to take care of me first? I am so frustrated with myself. Me FIRST. Not the bathroom, not the dishes, not even my husband. That means reading, writing, praying, stretching, exercising, plan of eating.

Last night I left a message for a friend along these lines that for the 4^th day in a row I had not done my reading & journaling like I said I would & how I was so frustrated with myself. Then I went upstairs to put Joshua to bed and he insisted on putting on his cloth diaper by himself (one of the one’s with a zillion snaps that I have a hard time figuring out what goes where). He would not let me help. Frustrated I called out to God “why did you make him this way?”. Then it clicked, there it was, the aha. I could put his diaper on so much better than he can, he didn’t even really understand how it works (to be fair my 11 year old probably couldn’t figure out how it works) but yet he won’t let me just do it for him. I act like this to God all the time. If I would just lay back and let Him be in control of my life things would be a lot smoother, but instead I fuss and fight and run around trying to get my ducks (snaps?) in a row and when I finally feel like I got one done I look up to realize the others go all out of order.

Ever have a saying that you say all the time but never consider the actual meaning?  It just this moment occurred to me that trying to get your ducks in a row is difficult because ducks wont stay in a row, you can maybe get one duck to stand still, maybe, but the others will be going hog(duck?)-wild while your concentrating on that one duck, which probably won’t stay still for you anyway because it’s not your job to get ducks to stay still in the first place.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6

Lord, today I give you my snaps., you do them. There are too many for me to keep track of and I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing. I give up, but not in frustration like my Joshua finally did, I give up to you as a choice because I may not know much but I know you love me and have my best interest at heart and I know you have my back and you are better at snapping stuff together than I ever will be.